Denominational Identity Angst

I am in the midst of a quest for a church internship, and even the process itself has raised some alternately thought-provoking and/or frustrating concerns. I wanted to do an internship at the church I have been attending for the past two years. The pastor wanted me there; many of the congregation wanted me there. But there is a leadership transition process going on that makes the timing bad, so I will have to seek elsewhere. [insert whine here]. This has been not a little bit frustrating for multiple reasons. Most of the time, churches seem to struggle with motivating people to be committed and involved members who do more than attend on Sunday mornings and mildew in the pews. How ironic that I want to be (and have been) committed to this church and have to go elsewhere and start afresh at a church were I am basically starting from scratch.

So, after working through that frustration somewhat, I have begun making calls to other churches who have posted for internships. I had one otherwise delightful conversation with a pastor who immediately became wary of me when I mentioned that I wanted to pursue PhD studies. Now, to be fair, she probably didn't want me to just be "jumping through hoops" and apathetically getting an internship "over with" at her church. But I also continually get extremely exasperated with the anti-intellectualism/distrust of academia that is endemic to many churches. I've worked in or served in churches for eight years, including an inner-city church plant, and I'm interested in helping people reflect about what it means to worship God. And this is incompatible with church ministry how? Simply because I'm not following an ordination track and want to teach people about this in a variety of ways?

Then there's the denomination thing. I've wanted to be able to embrace one tradition, despite the flaws that all of them have, and just be committed to it. But circumstantially, this just ain't happening, and I'm still in the midst of a denominational identity crisis. I'm looking into an internship at an Episcopal church that I'm excited about because of what they offer liturgically. The priest seems to be interested in me despite my current non-Episcopalian status (although we'll see once we come to the interview).

This has got me thinking about the fact that committing to a denomination requires you to make theological committments; buy into an overarching theological ethos, if you will. Most of the time, I've experienced a lot of uneasiness about that. I like the PCUSA's centralized governance--despite some of the cumbersome committee structures--and their support for women in ministry. But I can't quite embrace the predestination/Calvinist thing. Now I'll need to see what the Episcopal "theological package" has to offer. I can say that the Episcopal church is way more welcoming to artists and intellectuals from what I can gather. I have inadvertently found that many of my favorite authors--Madeleine L'Engle, Susan Howatch, to name a few--are Episcopalian, and the striking element that has stood out to me is that they are not squeamish about exploring the messiness of life vis a vis a life of discipleship. When I read these folks, I feel much more comfortable with the fact that, in the words of Brennan Manning, I am a disciple "whose cheese is falling off my cracker."
How this translates into a more well-articulated Episcopalian theology I don't know, it's been something that I've intuited more than seen actually articulated.

But all this exploring leads to the conclusion that when it comes to church, I still really don't know who I am. 85% of the way through my MDiv, that's a very disconcerting realization. I'm not sure what to do about it.